Living with a bunch of other people is never going to be hassle-free. Even in the best share houses, relationship problems can arise. Later in this guide there is a section on moving out which explains the legal issues when a share house breaks up. However, it's best to do what you can to avoid problems before the house falls apart.

Each flatmate needs to make every effort to have respect for others and be tolerant of differences in the household. Try not to engage in clearly annoying behaviour - it's highly likely that one of your flatmates will object if you start shouting or playing loud music at 3am on a Tuesday morning. It's also not a good idea to have numerous friends to stay without checking it out with your flatmates first. If you're in a filthy mood, try not to take it out on the others - go for a walk instead.

Unfortunately, despite the best intentions and efforts, arguments will occur. These might be between two flatmates who have excessively different politics; or between a couple who are in the middle of a messy break-up; or between one flatmate who wants to buy a dog and the rest of the household who absolutely do not want a dog around. Share house relationship problems can quickly escalate into full-scale conflict. And it's hard to keep your temper when you have to see the other person every day over the breakfast table.
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HOW TO DEAL WITH NON-VIOLENT CONFLICT

If problems do develop in the household, you and your flatmates should think about going to a community justice centre (CJC) for free help. These organisations provide mediation services to assist people in dispute. You and your flatmates will be able to discuss the problem in the presence of a mediator, who will then help you come to a resolution. Both parties have to be willing to participate in order for mediation to work, but if flatmates want to keep the house together there's a good chance you will be able to find a solution to the problem. There are CJCs in a number of areas in NSW. See Contact Points for the central CJC phone number.


Dealing with conflict in share houses

1. If you're in conflict with a flatmate, and assuming there is no threat of physical violence, deal with them face-to-face if possible. This is always better than sending letters and messages, banging on walls, throwing things, or talking to other flatmates about them.

2. Plan to talk to your flatmate at an appropriate time and allow enough time to do it. Don't start when they are about to go to work, or you've had a terrible day or just before you have to cook dinner. It only adds to the frustration. Find a place where you can both sit comfortably and quietly for a while.

3. Think beforehand about what you want to say. It's important to state clearly what the problem is and how you feel about it.

4. Don't blame your flatmate for everything or begin with your opinion of what should be done. Avoid judgemental or accusing statements, e.g. 'You're a demanding/ lazy person ...'. This will only make it harder for them to take on what you're saying.

5. Don't interpret their behaviour. That is, don't say 'You're not doing the washing-up just to piss me off'. Instead say 'When you don't do the washing-up, I get angry because it means I have to do it all'.

6. Give your flatmate a chance to tell their side of the story and what they think has been happening to cause the trouble. Be prepared to relax, listen and take everything in. It may be revealed, for instance, that the reason they won't do the washing-up is because they've cleaned the bathroom every week since you moved in and are pissed off about that!

7. Let your flatmate know that you hear what they're saying, even if you don't agree with what they say. Tell them you're glad you're talking about the problem.

8. When you've reached this point, try working on the dispute together. Work out what you both have to do to resolve the problem.

9. Get the whole problem out in the open. Don't leave out the part that seems 'less important' or that is the hardest to talk about. These are the things that will ruin any solution you come up with.

10. Agree to check with each other at a specific time in the future to see how things are going and don't forget to do it.

11. If you find it is too difficult to talk to your flatmate or find that each time you try, you end up shouting or getting upset, call one of the community justice centres to try to arrange a mediation session (see Contact Points). However, both of you will have to be willing to participate in order for mediation to work.
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DOMESTIC VIOLENCE AND SHARE HOUSING

The suggestions above will be of no help if a situation has turned violent. The most important thing to remember is that just because you live with someone this doesn't mean they have any right to subject you to emotional violence, physical violence, sexual harassment or sexual abuse.

Violence between flatmates, whether or not they are in a sexual relationship, is almost always against women. In 1995, 43 per cent of assaults in NSW where victims were female occurred inside the home (Women's Refuge and Referral Service, 1997).

Violence and harassment can have a severe impact upon a person's housing and lifestyle. If you are subjected to this sort of behaviour by another flatmate, whether you have a sexual relationship with them or not, you should seek an Apprehended Violence Order (AVO). Contact the chamber magistrate at your Local Court for advice about what you need to do to apply for an order. If you are afraid for your safety at any time, call the police immediately. If they seem reluctant to assist you, ask to speak to the police station's Domestic Violence Liaison Officer.

If your landlord takes you to the Consumer, Trader and Tenancy Tribunal because you have fallen behind in your rent during the period of violence, be sure to explain the situation to the Tribunal. The Tribunal will take this into account when deciding on what orders to make.

If your name is on the residential tenancy agreement and you want to leave the house quickly because of violence from a flatmate who is not on the tenancy agreement you can apply for early termination of the agreement to the Consumer, Trader and Tenancy Tribunal. You need to argue that due to the "special circumstances" of your case you are facing "undue hardship" and therefore you need to leave early.

However, if the person who is being violent towards you is a co-tenant (and is also on the tenancy agreement), you cannot usually apply apply to the Tribunal for termination. However it is hoped that by co-tenants making applications regardless the Tribunal may be forced to change. As ideally, the laws would allow a co-tenant facing violence from another co-tenant to end the tenancy. Please contact your local service for more advice if you are in this situation.
If you need to leave your flat because of domestic violence and are eligible for public housing, you can apply to the Department of Housing for emergency housing. For advice about what you should do in these situations, contact the Tenants' Union Hotline or your local tenants' service (see Contact Points).